I Miss My Friend
by flashpenguin
Summary: On her way to Em's funeral, Pen reflects back on her life and what Emily meant to her. 4th in the "Bluer Than Blue Series".


_Fourth in the "Bluer Than Blue Series" finds Pen reflecting back on all the little moments she shared with Emily and the team and how, if given a chance, she would love to ask her friend that one question she would really like to know._

_This story follows "Vole", "Tonight I Wanna Cry" and "Chasing The Moon"._

_I don't own Criminal Minds. _

_Song prompt: "I Miss My Friend" by Darryl Worley_

**I Miss My Friend**

Penelope Garcia hated tears. In her book, tears were useless, unproductive things. They were a sign of weakness and never solved anything. A stroke of a key was the way to change things. Not tears.

But ever since the team received the news about Emily, it seemed all she did was cry. She had tried to keep it inside, but the harder she fought it, the more determined the tears were to come to the surface. What had started as one, became two, then ten. Before she knew what was happening, a damn had burst inside. Now she cried everywhere. In the car, while washing the dishes…even in the shower.

Last night was the worst. Kevin had tried to make love to her to get her mind off of what was happening, but she had broken down in his arms. Hard wracking sobs had shaken her body until she dry heaved. Concerned, he had asked her if she was all right, but all she could do was hold on to him until the storm past.

Was she _all right_? Was he joking? Her friend was gone forever! Of course nothing was "all right". Nothing could ever be "all right" ever again.

And to top it off, she was pulled over to the side of the road, with her hazards on, giving into another bout of grief that had snuck up and consumed her.

She didn't understand it; she had been thru grief and loss many times before in her life - her parents, friends, a couple of co-workers…but this was different. Emily's loss had touched her deeper than anything. It was like losing a sister.

Never having a sister of her own, she had always wondered what it would have been like to have a real life ready made girlfriend to share secrets, laughs, tears and a bedroom with, but life had given her four step-brothers - who, for whatever unknown reason - refused to have anything to do with her.

She had been alone in the world after her parents died and her family disowned her. She learned to live off of her brains and talent while gaining knowledge of the internet. She didn't need anyone…or so she told herself.

Until that day she got caught and was given an option of prison or joining the FBI. She had to think that one over. Really think it over. She had been the daughter of flower children and taught that "the man" was not a friend to make. But her options were few and prison - inviting as it may appear on the outside when you have nothing to begin with - was out of the question. So, she joined with the people her parents warned her about.

She started small and worked her way up until she was in charge of the BAU database. Meeting Agents Hotchner and Gideon were like a dream come true, and when the rest of the team came on board, she discovered she had the family she had always wanted.

Until everything went horribly wrong.

She wished she had found that information sooner to help keep Elle safe. How many nights had she gone over every single moment trying to figure out what she had missed that allowed her friend to be shot? How many nights had she beat herself up thinking that she might have had a hand in Elle's mental break? That was a burden she tried to distance herself from. Humans made their own choices, and Elle Greenaway was no exception.

When Emily Prentiss showed up on the scene, there was a bit of apprehension. The transfer had not been routed thru her system, so she was just as caught off guard as everyone else. Her feelers went up. But Emily more than proved herself on more than one occasion. And when she stood up to Strauss and quit…she couldn't let that spunky, raven-haired firecracker slip thru the BAU's fingers. She stopped that transfer in a heartbeat.

So, when tempers cooled and feelings got back to normal, Emily and Hotch came back and the team was better than ever - at least in her opinion. And now she was seeing the woman with new eyes.

Emily may have been raised with a silver spoon in her mouth and taught at the best schools, but that didn't give her an ego. In fact, it had made her a little wiser about things…and gave her a wicked sense of humour. Like the night she punked Brad. Even all these years later, just remembering the look on that poor man's face when Emily pulled out her credentials was enough to make her roll with laughter. That had been a moment to keep and treasure.

At that moment, she knew that Emily and JJ were the sisters she had prayed for when she was a little girl. She had her dad in Rossi, the gruff older brother in Hotch, the impossible older other brother in Morgan, the dorky younger brother in Reid, and two of the most beautiful, intelligent, kick ass sisters in the world: JJ and Emily.

They had a bond with being in the few and the proud group (women in the BAU) and they made a pact to always be there for each other. In a way, they were a clique - albeit the most exclusive one ever - spending free time together drinking coffee, shopping, and talking about guys - including the ones they worked with! They were there for one another to lend a shoulder to cry on. Sometimes there were late night phone calls to just say hello or boost a spirit after a really bad case. And if was really bad, dinner and a bottle of wine helped to ease the stress.

She had never asked Emily what had gone down with the priest and why Rossi had taken such an interest in the case. There was a secret deep down inside, and as much as she had wanted to know it, nothing was worth losing the trust of a friend.

Pen would never forget how Emily had gone to bat for her after being shot by a mad man, nor could she forget the way she tried to keep every one together after Hotch was injured and then lost everything. Emily had chucked the rule book and tried to help Rossi, while doing what she could to help Jordan Todd when the agent made a huge mistake. Maybe it was because she knew what it was like to want acceptance.

Or maybe it was that no matter how privileged her life had been Emily craved a family and security. And in the team, she had found that. Maybe that was why every relationship and date failed, and though she could have been disillusioned, she still hoped that there was someone out there for her.

One night, while in the quiet sanctuary of her lair, Pen had decided to cross her three favourite people to see if they were compatible. Entering all the key data into the system, she waited patiently as the calculations were made and then spit out. To her surprise, Emily had matched perfectly with Hotch and Rossi on all the levels that mattered most to make a relationship work.

Tucking that information away, she thought about showing it to her friend to see what her reaction would be. Would Emily have laughed? Cried? Gotten angry? Would she have turned around and told Pen to put her info in to see who she would be matched best with? Now she would never know.

In an hour they were going to be holding a service to celebrate Emily's life. They would each talk about how they were touched for a brief moment by the dark haired woman with dancing eyes and contagious laughter. What could she tell people who hadn't known Emily the way she had?

Emily was always looking for something real and good. She had a suspicious nature and was no fool. She had always wanted babies and be a mother. She would have liked a husband, but if her dream could be accomplished as a single mother, that would have been fine. She craved a family beyond even more than what she knew and that was probably why she loved the team and would have done everything in her power to protect them. Emily was everything rolled into one.

Pen was not a firm believer in God and the here after, but she knew that there was definitely something out there. She had experienced it first hand. And now, her beloved sister was experiencing it too. She wondered if Emily was getting everything her heart had desired. Maybe her arms were holding that baby she had so badly wanted. Maybe she had found that guy who could love her despite the fact that she was- in her own words - a super nerd.

She needed to pull it together and be strong for the team. Wiping her eyes, Pen swallowed hard and took a deep breath to help control the sobs. Her hand shook slightly as she started Esther and put her in gear. She was going to survive. Eventually.

What she would give to ask Emily if she had seen the bright lights and experienced the flash of memories as she had, and did God look and sound like David Bowie?

Someday she would be able to get those answers, but until then she was going to have to go on with life. No matter how much she missed her friend.


End file.
